In the name of the pages, the ink, and the holy binding

"People call this book the Word of God!" Pastor Channing said, holding up his gold-covered Bible, his tiny veiny arms straining. "The book whose truths of God have pervailed over thousands of years! The book that has shown the light of God, no matter its translation from Hebrew and Aramaic and Greek to English, to Chinese, to French -- although we all know God speaks English, not French."

A light laughter rippled through the crowd, so light in fact that some members of the congregation were undoubtedly nodding in actual agreement.

"A book that has survived that many translations and still holds true! The book that can encapsulate the power of God using only pages, ink, and glue! Nay, that kind of a book is God! Only God himself could hold that kind of power! THIS IS GOD!"

He held the Bible as high as he could, the veins in his neck and arm ever prominent. People in the congregation knelt.

"And those who have translated it are prophets! God has made it so that any translations in the name of the Holy Bible are accurate! After all, that is how we've treated it! All worship Zondervan Publishing House in La Porte, Indiana!"

The white people in the pews bowed their heads further.

"And we worship the retailers who brought God to our bookshelves! All hail Borders Books and Music!"

The people bowed their heads further, most of them touching the pew in front of them.

"And to the copywriters and edit- uh oh!"

The book -- the God -- in Pastor Channing's old white hands fell through his fingers. It flipped through the air, the corner of it hitting the chalice of red wine -- Jesus' blood -- and the bowl of crackers -- Jesus' skin. All three hit the red carpet next to the altar, the wine splashing across the pages of the Bible, the crackers splaying around.

Someone in the crowd stood up.

"He spilled Jesus on God!"

The Pastor looked at the mess of deities on the floor at his feet, and then looked back up at his congregation.

"It is a sign! The blood and skin of Jesus is now encompassed in the book!" He held up the Bible dripping with wine and crackers. People gasped. "The Bible is our God!!"